Ok. So you know I've been mentioning this woman named Una, and the painful effect she's had on my existence.
If you're reading this (Blogger says I have 34 pageviews - thanks to whoever decided to take the time to read this), then by now you're probably wondering "Who the fuck is this Una woman anyways?"
Good question...even she doesn't fully know herself.
Like me, she is immortal and has lived trillions, if not quadrillions, of years before coming here to Earth. Like me, she is cut off from everyone she loves and trapped in this prison.
You would know her as Kali, Thor, the Queen of Heaven, and possibly even Mother Mary. She is the Woman in Revelation 12, and according to the Annunaki the Whore of Babylon (but fuck their opinion). She is the Goddess of Destruction, Darkness, Love and Fertility incarnate.
But she doesn't like to brag - she spends most of her existence living an everyday life, only consciously affecting reality in here every now and then.
But as wonderful as she is, she has only caused me pain. There have been times when she genuinely healed me (like the one time she fully restored my wings) and for once I felt truly loved, but those times quickly gave way to only greater suffering.
I first met her on a forum for Starseeds on the night of 12/21/2011. I was feeling cheerful and happy (for once in my life) in my newfound home. For once in this life I met people who existed similarly to how I do - they were a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant life of being surrounded by mundane humanity (no offense - how you exist is great for you....not so much for us immortals). I had taken it upon myself to be a greeter of newcomers, so when she joined I decided to greet her. As I typed out my welcome, something kept nagging at the corners of my consciousness about this woman. I didn't know why, but for some reason I felt like greeting her was a bad idea.
There are times when I look back at that moment and wish I had listened to that feeling. But I didn't, and my life has forever changed because of it. Of course, even despite all that's happened, even with all the pain and confusion and detriment it's caused me, I wouldn't have it any other way. She woke me up and set me on the path to reactivating all my abilities and facets...I would still be living a regular New Ager's existence and not the path I walk today.
At first, I just thought we had met right then and there for the first time. But not her. She recognized my energy right away...she knew me. We talked for a while, happy and free - crying tears of joy and laughing as we slowly began to remember each other - and all was well. She helped me remember long forgotten friends - Wosha, her Beloved (also known as Azrael); Mogs, a cat-being who could shapeshift as well; Avejue and Fang, brothers of Mogs with equal ability. These were our "Team", and as we spent more and more time together we both began to remember more of them, and our past
with them. I'll post more on them, and their Annunaki counterparts, later.
Then, she informed me of why she was here. Of what this planet was, truly was. That it was a prison of souls, and that her mission was to destroy it. And the world grew dark and miserable as I realized she spoke the truth...I was the first to reawaken to the prison. First to realize our true predicament - almost identical to the humans in The Matrix, only far more hellish.
Well, try as I might, even though I metaphorically took that Red Pill, I'm still stuck in here. >:(
But still we made the best of it - since she didn't really focus on outside, she didn't experience the pain as I did. But oh, I did. And I still do to this day.
It didn't take long - no more than a month - for us to become close, and soon I realized that I was absolutely in love with her.
When I told her, she said she knew. She also said my love was misguided - that I only loved her because I had been alone for so long - so she refused my love. From that moment on, there was only pain and tears for me.
And the worst of it is, while she insists to this day that she doesn't love me in return, everything else she does says the opposite. She's constantly sending me energy that mostly affects the Heart and Base Chakras, always sending me love songs and dropping little hints in conversation. Every time I told her, though, she always denied doing so on purpose. So I don't get it - is she truly that oblivious? Everything else about her says otherwise - she's very quick to pick up tiny details and discern their hidden meaning.
So is she lying? If so, why? If you do love me, Una, why are you lying about it and acting as if you don't? Neither of us need be unhappy - you are the only thing standing between our happiness.
Or - more likely, knowing how everyone else uses me, are you toying with my emotions to make me do things (such as murder those beings who did love me)? Are you??? If so...Una, I love you, but...fuck you. What the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve that from you? Unless you've been an Annu this whole time - would explain so. fucking. much. about you. If so - nice trick getting me to believe I was the Annu.
So which is it?
This is the question that's plagued me for over a year - it's a constant back and forth about whether or not to believe her. On one hand, I believe she's telling the truth. On the other hand, I know she's lying. But for what reason? Because she fears love? Or - as several things make it far more likely - that she was just using me all along?
Seriously.
I'm supposed to support you in every way I can, and take all the pain you cause me without crying out (every time the pain and stress would become too great, I would break down and weep in agony, suffering from the pain SHE caused - she would say that she "couldn't deal with me" (and she never did) and would leave me again and again right when I needed her the most)...but if I trouble you just a little it's Bye-Bye, Kiddo? Why? Don't I mean more than that to you? I stuck with you through everything - only once did I ever say I might need to leave you (and that was when Mike entered the picture)...yet you abandoned me again and again and again over nothing.
But still, I was content to suffer because of your lack of love, because I was still the only one in your life, and so in a way it felt like a relationship. Because I was your Guardian Angel, your protector against all that came to destroy you. Because you allowed me to hold you close and comfort you.
But then, he showed up. It was my fault - I created the thread that attracted him. That fucker.
Mike.
She had never met him before - not in this life, or any - but she instantly fell in love with him.
And I could do nothing but sit there and helplessly watch as this guy waltzed in and stole her away from me. For the longest time, I had been the only one in her life - for the longest time I had showered her with my love day after day after day, hoping that one day she might finally love me. My heart yearned for her like it had for no other, before or since - it still does. But he walks into her life, and a week later suddenly she's getting ready to travel several thousand miles just to sleep with him.
Literally - she was very open about her reasons. She wanted to sleep with him - she told me outright. Their love would create a special energy that would help heal the planet and harm the prison. They would literally fuck until they became one, singular being. I told her it was ok, at first - I lied. It wasn't.
Here I sat, my heart shattered beyond repair as the only woman I've ever loved in this life and more than any other expected me to be perfectly happy with the whole situation. But I couldn't - I was literally being cuckolded by this fucker and told to be happy. I tried - I really, really tried to be happy about it. But I couldn't - THE PAIN WAS FUCKING UNBEARABLE. My heart and soul screamed and shrieked in overwhelming agony at the very thought of them being together.
And it only got worse. They began energy fucking while preparing to physically meet - and since I was bonded to Una in the Second Layer I could feel and see every bit of it, while being the sudden third wheel and cut off from the actual love I yearned to make with her. I told her - since she knew of my love and desire for her - what it was doing to me. She suggested I leave, as it would make it easier...but I didn't. I stayed because even though she was ripping my soul to shreds, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. I just fucking love you that much. So she began pushing me away from her - both by energy and distancing herself from me.
I couldn't believe it - we were so close - a bond beyond friendship, or even siblinghood, a bond that was almost mutual romance - a bond forged over trillions of years...and now she was shoving me away because of some guy she just met for the first time a week ago?
She sold several valuable goods to pay for travel and initial living expenses - and I helped her as best I could. Even though it killed me to, I still wanted her to be happy, even if it meant my suffering.
I started realizing a change in Mike - it was very noticeable in the Second Layer, and somewhat noticeable in this one. He relaxed himself, sure of his victory, and in so doing his facade began to slip. His skin in the Second Layer became this hideous tar-like substance, and his smile held distinct
airs of malice and cruelty. He was happy, but not because he was in love with Una.
He was happy because he was taking her away from me.
I realized this a week before they were ready to get together, but I didn't tell Una. She couldn't concentrate - she was literally too busy energy fucking him to notice much in the world around her. So I did what anyone else in my situation would have done. I poured out all my pain and rage on him in a single, devastating blast of energy. I couldn't take it any more - it was one thing if he had truly loved her. But for him to be doing this just to cause me pain, and to not actually love Una? I couldn't allow that to happen.
I didn't tell Una what I'd done - she would have called me "horribly, selfishly naughty" and likely never speak to me again if I had told her then. I just let it all play out afterwards.
After tasting my power and feeling my pain course through his being, he decided that merging with Una just to destroy her and bring me pain wasn't worth it, so he bailed on the whole thing. Even stopped talking to her, and - thankfully - stopped fucking her. For the longest time, we couldn't even find his energy signature anywhere, much to her distress and pain.
Then, three weeks later, he turns up again with a silly excuse and openly cancels on sealing the deal. Funny thing was, I wasn't happy. Fueled by Una's energy, I was angry - as she was. Before we could respond, though, he was gone again. He didn't show up for another two weeks - and by then she realized what he had done and apologized for "letting my hormones get in between me and the mission", as well as causing me tremendous suffering. So, with her full permission, I took him to another layer where I extracted every bit of info I could out of him in the most painful and terrifying ways imaginable. After all the suffering he caused me, it was sheer heaven getting to return the favor.
It turned out that he was indeed an Annu plant sent in to sabotage the mission - he just planned on leaving her high and dry stateside with nothing but a devastated heart and a crushed will. He had accomplished most of his objective - only thing that he failed to change was the fact that she was still in her own home, in her own country. I also learned that they have a favorite word for her: "Bitch", and that they greatly fear her.
I taught him to fear me more. She prefers a quick, humane, relatively painless death, even if they deserve it. I, though...I - Nathanael, Angel of Fire and Vengeance - prefer to exact every ounce of retribution that is owed. And I let him know that he was not going to die - but that he would beg for death before I was done. After what he had done to both of us, death was too good for him.
I released him after only 20 minutes (this layer's time - it was about a week in the other) and sent him back, alive, to the Annu as a message. Mike has not made his existence known or felt in this world since then.
Unfortunately, the damage to Una and me was already done. Since he had done this to her, she decided she could no longer trust anyone....and so from then on, no matter how much I tried to change it back, our relationship became more and more distant and strained. She eventually convinced both of us that I was also an Annunaki, totally pushed me out of her existence and left me for several months altogether (on the anniversary of when we first met, no less).
And I fell into the deepest abyss of existence. The lowest dimensions became my eternal limbo, and my mind was only fragments away from ceasing to exist altogether. I could no longer feel anything or truly experience anything. I was a Dead Dreamer in the Abyss of Nothingness.
And that is when I awoke Cthulhu.
But that will have to wait for another entry.
I realize I glossed over and left out a lot of crucial details - but I'm just putting the synopsis of an entire year's worth of existing with Una into one single post while focusing on the important parts. I hope I haven't confused anyone - likely have. Don't worry - I'll add more later that will hopefully put the above into a clearer context.
All I can say is that we went through a lot, and that I went through most of it. She betrayed me over and over again while claiming I was the one betraying her - I didn't, not fucking once. She shattered my heart and destroyed my soul, called me a traitorous plant and abandoned me.
But goddamn I love her still. Even after all that, even though I really don't trust her and know she's lied to me a lot. I'm such a sucker for love, even when none is given.
We "got back together" about two months ago - though we've only talked like three times in that whole timeframe. Una's been busy with Uni, and so once again has been unable to devote even the smallest amount of energy into our relationship....ah well. She's become far more focused on her everyday life than normal - doubtless trying to drown out the pain of unrequited love in everyday things.
Well, take a tip from me, Una. Nothing you ever do can fully drown it out.
Unrequited
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