Limits

I keep wondering if maybe I really am just selfish.

The scraps of happiness I'm given...is it supposed to be enough to keep me happy, and I just can't understand it?

Yesterday was a comparatively nice day for once - no pain, no sorrow, no depression....and yet, here I am, the next day, once again suffering.

I can't tell if the universe is really being nice to me by giving me these tiny pockets of air in an otherwise uninhabitable existence, or if it's just stringing me along, setting my hopes up that things have finally changed for the best only to have them dashed against the rocks the next day.

Am I supposed to be the self-sufficient hero who doesn't need kindness, love or assistance? Is that why I'm here? To learn to buck up and keep going instead of fuck up and cry?

I don't understand! >.<

I want to believe all of this - even the torture - is for my benefit, like the ghosts visiting Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, I really do....but it just feels like I'm being picked up just to be dropped again with no actual beneficial reason.

Why can't you all make it more clear? Just appear before me here in the physical and explain to me - in detail - exactly what you want from me. Can you do that? Or must I go through this blind?

I just want out of here, and back with the ones I love, that love me as I them...what do I have to do to make that happen? Who can I trust, and where can I go to find help?

TELL ME!

Am I unworthy of answers? True answers given in person?

All I want is to go back home...forever. Just tell me what to do, and make sure it happens....I don't want to be in here any more.

I can't take it. Not for much longer.

"Suck it up!" you say. "Stop whining, you big baby!"

I have been.

Oh, I have been for so long.

I've had the straw that broke the camel's back placed on me many a time and kept going.

But each time gets a little harder.

And it's getting past what my heart can take.

Unsustainable