You know, Una....I really, really want you to read this blog. I hope that you find it, read it, realise it's me (shouldn't be too difficult to piece it together - just read the energy and you'd know it was me), and tell me. I do.
Because it's filled with all the things I ever wanted to say to you, share with you.
All the things you were too busy for.
But at the same time, I hope you never read this.
Because I don't want to deal with the shit that'll happen afterwards.
Knowing you, you'll see this as another reason not to trust me, another reason to shut me out of your life just like everyone else. Goddammit, I know you've had it rough but so have I, especially in matters of trust and betrayal - it doesn't mean we cut ties the moment the other does or says something we don't like! We're all we have right now - I wish I could beam the team in, I really do, but as much power as I apparently have over this reality there are some things I can't do. >.< I'm sorry :'( but like it or not I'm the only thing you've got, just as you're the only thing I've got.
We're just hurting each other when we do that....it's mutual suffering.
At least, I think it is.
For all I know, I'm the only one suffering because of what happened. For all I know, I'm the only one who really suffered at all - for all I know, you just used my affections and emotions to get something out of me when you never really cared - that you're the one actually doing what you accused me of doing - wrongfully, I might add....everyone else does. I'm not saying that you are doing this - there was a lot you did do to prove the contrary, I'm just saying I don't know.
It just seems fishy (among other things - there's a lot about you that I can clearly see doesn't add up, you know) that you would cause me so much pain and expect me to tough it out, but every time I would say one thing, you'd shut me out of your life for a time.
I know you don't like dogs, but think of me as a puppy. Sure, I may accidentally do something wrong, but it doesn't mean I meant whatever harm I caused - and just like a puppy, I'm mindlessly devoted to you....doesn't mean I deserve getting kicked to the curb and made to sit alone in the rain. You know my biggest pain and fear is abandonment...and yet every time I did something wrong, that's what you did. And it hurt me beyond hell every single fucking time. :'(
So that's why I don't want you ever reading this...because as much peace as it would give me to have you know all this, you would be determined to take it the wrong way. You would - you've always done the same with everything like this in the past. And you would leave me again (not that right now we're really back together...it's hit and miss every few weeks) as punishment.
I just don't understand why you do this to me, when 9 times out of 10 it would be out of my love for you. Like everything else, I just don't get it, and it fucking hurts so fucking bad. :'(
But you do.
Which is why I hope you never read this.
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