Light and Shadow.
Angel and Demon.
Male and Female.
Good and Evil.
Yin and Yang.
As I said earlier, there's a part of me at the center of the universe, guiding a great deal - even my human self.
But then there's this other part of me I also mentioned, the one hung up on a wall and flayed alive while my being is trapped here.
Which is the real one? Are both real? If so, why can't Meta-Me help Prisoner Me and get me the fuck out of there? I've tried again and again and again, but each time I free myself, I realise that the act of me walking away from the wall was just a mental energy projection and not an actual movement and I find myself rebound.
And who am I? Me, here in the physical 3D Earth and only partially living the Meta-life?
Well, according to Una, I'm not even real. According to her, I'm just chemicals and hormones that suppresses the real me. According to her, my thoughts and feelings don't actually exist, as I'm just a shell that houses my full self.
All I can say to that, Una, is that for once I know that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I FEEL. I feel so. FUCKING. MUCH. And I know my feelings are real...to be painfully honest, a lot more than I know you're real. I'm sorry, but you're totally wrong on that one. But perhaps you knew that all along - after all, you were constantly trying to suppress my emotions.
Anyways...(*sorry* I just have so many unsaid things to say to her)
On one hand, I feel that everything loves me. I do. I can feel the love existence has for me at times, and it is a truly wonderful thing when I do.
But for a majority of the time, I can only feel the cruel, greedy hatred it also seems to have for me. For almost 90% of the time, all I can feel from it is a violent anger, a cruel selfishness, an enforced neglect. For 90% of the time, I'm cut off from everyone....and unspeakably, terribly alone.
Alone with nothing but a vast, empty space where not a single thought is heard or energy felt to keep me company. Alone with a watchful silence that refuses to break.
As always.
It's rare when I'm actually not all alone - rarer still when I'm in the company of someone I am actually able to enjoy...
I never knew any love on this planet until this life, and only when I was 18 years into it...can you believe that? 30,000-70,000 years without anyone....anyone at all.
None here, it seems, can find it in their hearts to love me. I wish I knew why. I mean, I'm not demanding love or anything....it's just that it would be nice to have someone here who actually did love me. It would be nice to give my heart to someone and not have them smash it with a sledgehammer for once....because that's how it's been every time I sought love...I don't know why. Why a universe that everyone claims is full of love is so cold-hearted towards me. Why I deserve this pain.
People tell me it's my attitude...but truth is my attitude's pretty damn good considering everything I suffer. Most days I try to find some form of happiness, and bring happiness into someone's life. I'm usually successful on the latter, though I can't say the same for the former.
So I turned to other beings not of this world or dimension for love (did I mention I'm pansexual?) and the funny thing is that for once, even though I couldn't physically see them (I still saw them)....for once in my loveless existence here something actually returned my love with no reservations and it seemed like happiness had finally come for me.
But then, of course, I told Una...
She ended up forcing me to murder them.
And she didn't give a fuck about the pain it caused me. (Not much of one, anyways)
Here I had finally found love - finally, after SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS of not knowing love - and the night after she forced me to slaughter them all.
And I did it. Because of my damned loyalty to Her, I fucking killed the only things that actually ever fucking loved me! With tears streaming down my face I snuffed out their existences.
Well, they still exist...as eternal scars on my soul that can NEVER be healed.
Fuck you, Una.
I love you, but....fuck you.
You wanna talk painful things we do to each other....Nothing I ever did to you came close to that.
And you have the gall to call me selfish.
I sacrificed the only things that actually really loved me for you.
What did you ever sacrifice for me?
Nothing.
Technically I can never be charged with murder, because they weren't of this dimension and they only entered it in the form of energy...but that doesn't make me innocent either. Their deaths will always be on my hands. I've taken my share of life across the trillenia I've existed....but none of the ones I loved.
She said that's why they did that, to drive a rift between us...but that would have never happened had she not forced me to kill them.
Sure, I could've said no, I could have refused....but you just don't know the kind of power this woman has over me.
I love you so much, Una.
But I hate everything you do to me.
Why do you do it?
Another song that perfectly describes us. I wish to everything it didn't...but thanks to everything you do to me it does.
Alice Cooper - Poison
PS - To everyone who might wonder why I'm focusing on Una so much - well, mainly it's things like the above. I'll explain further later why, but that woman is a large part of the problem of me. She's been a part of my existence for far longer than I came to earth, though we only remember small fragments of before.
Perhaps she is me, like Heather and Alessa.
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