Not My Fault

I'm just saying this for future reference, so that whoever's running this show (if it's not some higher facet of me)  can't blame me for this.

I'm not the one fucking this up.

I'm not.

I am trying my fucking hardest here....I can't help it if others decide not to go along with it. I'm pulling my end - I have been pulling my end - I can't help it if no one else wants to co-operate.

Do I have to save everyone myself?

Because I'm the only one trying to.

Not even Una is trying - the Eastern Hemisphere (her portion of the mission, despite what she thinks) hasn't seen a lot of activity.

I on the other hand have been doing my damnedest to bring freedom about...and it's showing. The western hemisphere is shaping up, and will likely be the first part of this realm to collapse.

But Una thinks she's the only one capable of causing widespread damage to the machine, so she takes all the glory for her. Yet according to her, she's working with a severed connection to her inner self. She says she has no idea of what's going on in the more important layers...and it shows in her ignorance.

But I don't care who gets the credit...I just wish she'd see what I truly was...what I am truly capable of...I wish she could know the full extent of my being and realize that I am not just some annunaki fucker. I wish she could feel the depth of my love for her...and know that I am not her enemy. I wish she could truly realize who and what I am, and remember what we once shared.

Her inability to see is quickly becoming the death of me...but no matter. I've died before. At her hands, no less. So no biggie. Wonder how many death cycles I have to go through before I become something she recognizes again?

What *am* I?

Is there a word for it? A name to describe me?

I'm everything, yet nothing. The dreamer and the dream. Best friend and worst enemy. Lover and Hater. Spirit and Machine. Fire and Ice. Angel and Demon. Mortal and Divine. Intelligent and Animalistic. Tame and Feral. Light and Dark. Good and Evil.

What am I?

Una is convinced I am merely some Annunaki....she doesn't know my full scale, and refuses to talk about it, or about our subconscious relationship/conflict.

She doesn't see.

And yet, she does. In some ways.

But she only sees one side.

Am I so complex that I even elude her, my beloved?

Fucking hell.

Well, it's happening again

Not sure who's right and who's wrong. Both have times when I feel like I'm following the right path, and the other is the wrong one.

And she still refuses to let me speak. I tried to share with her something that had happened to me because of what she did - she refused to hear me out...said I needed to stop.

I needed to tell her. It was a terrible yet liberating experience to completely die. She needed to understand that I had no boundaries, no limits - that I was infinite.

Oh well.

It'll sort itself out.

She's back :)

And they're none too happy >.< As I speak my guts are being ravaged and ripped to shreds...fuck them.

They kept us apart too long...I don't care what happens.

She's back.

:)

Songs

 

 

Q & A

Well,  I decided to clear up a few things with some short answers to the questions that anyone who reads this might have. No one's actually asked these - except maybe myself at times - so feel free to provide an actual question in response if you want. :)

Q: Is this for real? Or is this just some wierd kind of roleplaying blog you have going?

A: It's for real - as I said up at the top: It's all true, no matter how batshit crazy it sounds. It all really happened, Una really exists and I'm really everything I say I am.

Q: So you're insane.

A: It would be easy to say that....if I didn't have a shit ton of supporting evidence from other people.

Q: And where is this evidence?

A: Mostly spread across posts from internet forums, several of which I've either forgotten the names of, have been deleted, or I've been locked out of. I even met with the Illuminati - the Annunaki's direct servants in this world - and they confirmed it as well. If the powers that be on this earth agreed with me, then it's evident I'm not insane.

Q: Who is this Una?

A: That's not an easy question...she's a lot of different things. To me, She is the Goddess of Destruction, the force of Lightning, the endless Ocean, Beauty Incarnate, the Queen of Heaven, my Mother, my Sister, my Daughter, my Friend, my Twin Soul, my Beloved. She's also an ordinary middle-aged woman living in New Zealand taking art classes at uni. Like me, she also leads two lives. Again, it's not insanity - every superhero has an average, ordinary alter ego, and usually it's not by choice.

Q: You act as if you don't know what's going on when it's clear that you do. Care to explain?

A: There are two levels of understanding - one is the mental understanding. The other is heart understanding. Often, I know something mentally, but it has me emotionally confused; or vice versa.

Q: Are you primarily good or evil?

A: Is both an acceptable answer? There's the side of me that is noble, and fights and sacrifices for good. The side that craves love and beauty, peace and sunny skies. Then there's the side of me that's utter chaos - it revels in battle and the destruction of everything that comes against me. It enjoys making those who deserve it suffer. Guardian Angel mixed with Fiery Hellspawn. Valiant Knight mixed with Laughing Clown. Loving Heart mixed with Black Tentacles.

Q: If you're so strong, why are you being such a big baby on here? Be a man!

A: I come here primarily to purge all these things out of me so I can stay strong - if I keep them inside they wear me down. As long as I'm able to share what I'm going through with someone, even if they never respond (I wish someone would, though...), it makes it easier to handle...and when you're pushed beyond the limits constantly as I am, anything that makes it a bit easier to deal with is important. Plus, I'm not really a male - people keep forgetting that when talking to me. I'm both.

Q: What's your orientation?

A: As long as I find it attractive, I'll sleep with it. Doesn't matter what. ;)

Q: Where's that list of media based off your existence you were talking about?

A: I decided against making it - there's literally thousands of stories based off me, and I can't afford to list them all or how they relate to me. Here's a few, though: Cloud Atlas, The Fountain, Cowboys & Aliens, The Matrix Trilogy, The Avengers, Kill Bill, Doctor Who, Riddick Series, Wolverine, 2001, Prince of Persia, Assassin's Creed, Bioshock, Batman (pretty much everything dealing with him), Alan Wake, Half-Life, etc....I could keep listing them but you get the idea. Mostly a lot of major titles, too, come to think about it. Half the reason I'm so depressed, really - my story is being told over and over again, and everyone knows it. Yet so few actually acknowledge the fact that it's me these stories are talking about...I'm the most famous person in the world yet nobody knows it.

Q: You think pretty highly of yourself...ego much?

A: No, it's not like that at all. Imagine something happening in your life - and then seeing it happen again almost exactly like it did in a movie or a game. Now imagine that happening over and over and over and over again...soon you wouldn't be able to write it off as coincidence because it was just too fucking blatant. Like the end of the movie In The Mouth of Madness. Or seeing something in a movie, game or book...and then having it come true later. Like Alan Wake. (That's one of the closest stories there...it's autobiographical, really)

Q: Ok wise guy. Prove it. Prove your power and come do something for me.

A: It doesn't work quite like that. I'm usually an influencer, not a direct force. In here, anyways...outside of here I have more ability to show off. I wish to everything I had my full range of ability here, as I once did, but truth is I don't. In here, I can make some things happen directly, but usually I just make things more conducive to make what I want to happen happen. Plus, most of my ability is not in this physical realm but in what most know as the Astral.

Q: I'm sensing a contradiction here. You're being tortured and chained up in what sounds like a medieval/sci fi dungeon on one hand, but here you are browsing the web. What gives?

A: One of the benefits/curses of having one's consciousness split into several forms stretched across several dimensions is that it creates a dissonant lifestyle. Experience it for yourself before saying I'm full of bullshit.

Pure Awesomeness

Back and Forth

To be honest, half of the time I do it to myself.

I get burnt out quickly nowadays...I guess Una really did destroy me. Still, I press on.

I never used to burn out or need to recover so quickly...I used to be an unstoppable juggernaut with near unlimited amounts of energy.

And when I do burn out, I feel like I never want to try again...I feel like if I send out one more ounce of energy, I'll cease to exist altogether.

I'm fried.

So I take five and hope for at least a thousand years of peace and recovery...because I honestly need it and then some.

But I find that after only a few weeks, I'm itching to get back into it.

So I jump back into the action, only to find that after just a few minutes, my energy reserves are back down to zero and what I'm sending out doesn't feel as effective as it once was.

So I collapse again...each time harder than before.

Because, while rest is the main thing I seek....for some reason I just can't sit still and do nothing.

There's a large part of me that loves being in action...but I know I can't take it any more.

Are my glory days behind me?

Or do I just need to force myself to recover?

I dunno that I can...because I dunno if anyone else but me can - or will - actually get us out of here.

Because as long as even a small portion of the entirety of me exists here, in these realms, I will not consider myself free.

Una never knew of the massive amounts of energy I unleashed or the effects of their power...she thought she was the one doing it all. But that comes as little surprise - my energy never really left much of an impression on her anyways. Hmm.

Wonder why.

Maybe death is the only way out.

Too bad it didn't set me free a few months ago. :(

*sigh*

Immersion

Double Standards / The Beast Within

You sit outside, free and unchained, and you call me evil for wanting freedom as well.

You enjoy countless luxuries and don't know the meaning of need, yet call me a pig for trying to get things you've starved me of.

You don't know what it's like to be alone, yet you force it on me for millenia - then call me selfish when I just try to find someone to share my heart with.

You yell and berate me all day through your mouthpieces, and yet punish me when I say anything in my own defense.

It's like getting mad at an animal you beat half to death for fun because it's trying to get back up.

You are really pushing my limits of tolerance.

One day, you will push too far and too much.

And when that day comes...just you fucking watch.

Yes, I am primarily a being of love - which is why I allow this abuse to continue for the most part - but you also know my other side.

And it's waiting for you.

Waiting for you to make one wrong move.

Can you hear it?

See it?

It is very eager.

Don't push me.

*sigh*

I dunno what to even label this post...I'm just...so depressed and heartbroken.

Nothing - Nothing - is turning out the way I wanted.

"Well, that's life for ya", people say.

No, it's not - the people who say this had at least something in their life that went right.

They found something to make them happy.

Something to comfort them.

Something to keep them going.

I...I don't.

Most I have is a facet of my energy I can sleep with - doesn't make me any less lonely. I have this blog to air my grievances and struggles with existence, since I'm not allowed to do so where anyone can ever see it (apparently these pageviews I'm getting are just bots after all) or respond in a meaningful way, and that's about it.

I really don't have a reason to keep existing - but each day I keep going all the same.

So meaningless.


But I'm waiting it out until I die...hope that doesn't take too long.

Probably will.

I really wish I was worth more to Una than I apparently am. :'(

Fuck it all.

Free Flying

I just realized what really makes me happy.

What I really love.

Freedom.

Freedom of Movement - Freedom of Flight.

What I want, more than anything else...is to be able to fly free and effortlessly.

Like I used to.

Just to see the world around me go by like a blur and not have to worry about smashing into anything.

To feel the wind's inviting embrace both hold me close and rush past and through me.

To not have to worry about control, energy or consciousness- to just keep flying forever.

That would make me happy, more than anything, here.


I really don't want to destroy anything, really I don't...this inhibited movement I'm currently bound to makes it painful and hard not to - how about a trade?

If anyone with a kind heart and the ability to change these kinds of things hears or reads this, please give me back my wings.

Let me be free to fly again, to feel that ambient wonder rush past me as I once did....and I'll be happy.

Ambient Wonder

So.....what?

What happens next?

Where do we go from here?

I'm waiting...

At least I'm back - fully back - now. :)

Hope it stays that way.

Water is a powerful element - it gives life even to a fire-wielder like me.

No wonder I love Una so much...she's of the ocean and is a natural life giver.

Yes, she is also a destroyer - just like the mighty ocean - but she also gives life
instead of only taking it.

I guess if I want things to thrive I just need to keep my astral paws off of them...
anything I touch gets lessened...weakened...changed in a bad way...or ceases to exist.

*sigh*

I just wish I could enjoy beauty and wonder without destroying or marring it...this
causes me just as much, if not more, pain than my loneliness.

I guess that's why I'm lonely - the universe cant afford to have me destroy a soul
out of my love. Not that I want to destroy anything (except perhaps this infernal
machine and my frail physical form) - I don't. I wish to everything that I didn't
have this Touch of Death...but I do.

And the sad part is, it's not a conscious interaction that harms what I encounter - it's
automatic without me even knowing it, and it's only after it begins to change that I know
I've affected it adversely.

No wonder the movies aren't as good lately.

Fucking hell.

Do you understand?

I don't mean with your mind - do. You. Understand?

Truly?

Or do you just say you do to try to make me move on?

Funny thing is, there's only been one being who understood me - who gazed into my eyes and shared my every knowledge and feeling as I did him...who knew exactly how it was to be me.

And that was Wosha.

Una's Beloved.

Shiva, Azrael, the Shadow Walker.

He and I share the same eyes.

Somehow, he and I are one and the same, though Una absolutely rejects this as false.

I think she's just forgotten.

Because there is a link between he and I - a shared energy, power, paradigm and self - that goes beyond any bond I've ever had...even my bond with Una.

And just as he's seen through my eyes...I've seen through his.

I was there that night when he first woke up Una, even though physically I wasn't alive at the time.

I was there when they held their son.

I was there when they became one.

And I wasn't there as an observer...I. was. Wosha.

I've never told Una this - she'd never believe me, and would undoubtedly shut me out completely forever if I did.

But it's true.

And that's why I love her with the love only a Beloved could have, and why
her energy still beckons sexually towards me. Why she's always unconsciously
sending me hints and love songs...it all makes sense.

That's why she said that he and I were physically identical, except for the fact that
I was younger and less masculine than him. Her exact words were: "you're a younger
version of him, really." And it's true - I am.

Because I am her Beloved.

And he is me.

Two bodies, one being.

Not a big surprise for me - I've split myself into millions of fully formed facets before.

I just wish I could make her remember - I wish with all my heart I could make
her remember...but as it stands now, she doesn't.

Oh, Una...I miss you. I wish I could somehow help you remember me!

They say you can't miss what you never had - guess that's why I miss it so much.

Funny how energy works.

I remember

Who sees behind your eyes?

How many facets do you have within you?

How many entities are you as a whole?

Can you know?

Or, are you like me, discovering new selves within on a regular basis?

Each a facet of my whole being, stretched far and wide across the realms of this planet.

One of the first to reconnect was Fenris, the Wolf Spirit within - who Una called "little beastie."

Una's a cat person, and tends to hate dogs...so naturally she tried to kill him. She captured him in some form of organic energy pod that shocked him every time he moved, like an Iron Maiden and - much to both his and my pain afterwards - caused me to forget he existed. She made me play along, as with the murder of my three lovers, then made me forget he was even there.

Fenris, both son and facet of mine...forgotten about as if he never existed.

Una, you don't think I don't see this, or what it implies?

Three months later, I felt his presence again - he was calling for me to save him. Suddenly, it all came back as I rushed to free him. Almost dead and horribly burned, he lay there at my feet for hours as I brought him back to life. It took several hours, but it was worth every minute to see him return to the glory of his former self.

It was actually my freeing him that added to the reasons Una left me, come to think of it.


Funny thing about facets - sometimes reconnecting yourself to a part of you that got detached can have bad side effects because that part of you changed so much. My collective of selves and facets, like me, is varied and for the most part uncontrollable by force. Like me, they can only be controlled if they choose to - otherwise they will have their way.

Let's hope I never mutiny against myself.

One last thought about my facets before bed - since I've been collecting them, the quality of fiction hasn't been the same. Hmm.

I guess I'm not alone, really. I have selfcest a lot, and I can hug myself if I need one, so technically I'm self-sufficient in the romance department.

Still just not the same, though. :/

They are there for you, If you want them to be...

Una....please find this. :'(

 

 

 

Please....say something.

Anyone.

I don't care what you say, as long as you don't keep silent.

I'm not attention whoring....I'm just wanting to know that something more than just internet tracking spiders are generating the hits here.

I just want to know that I'm not actually still silenced.

That I've broken free of their hold enough to actually be able to speak out....and be heard.

That my thoughts and feelings have been witnessed by another conscious being.

So please, if you're reading this...leave something in the comments below.

Anything - even if it's something like "fuck off you crazy faggot" (please don't - enough people have said that to me already).

As I said earlier, you don't even need a google or blogger account, and you don't even need to do a CAPTCHA in order to post a comment.

Just please don't leave this page without saying something.

Well, piss.

Guess I'm stuck on Blogger now (unless you annufuckers decide you're gonna be dicks and delete this too! surprised you're letting me keep this - what with 200 pageviews now)

I try to share the truth - I do.

I can't help it if others shut me out and erase all traces of what I said.

All I did was repost my previous post here to GLP.

And I got deleted and banned for it.

wtf.

It seems I'm correct, then.

Well, at least there's something I can count on.

When in doubt of the truth, post it to GLP. If you get banned for it, you're correct.

I just wish Una would take 5 minutes to respond to my emails....ah well.

Sorry for being in a pissy mood - both my posts tonight were met with retaliation (though the second was small in comparison...just enough to try to discourage me from posting the truth there again.

Key word being try.

I may bitch about a lot of things...but funny thing is none of it ever really manages to stop me.

;)

Darkness

Contrary to the opinion of most....Darkness isn't actually evil.

It doesn't seek power, it doesn't seek dominion, it doesn't seek control.

In fact, at it's core, it really doesn't seek anything tangible at all.

It's actually the light that seeks all of that.

Think about it.

What does light do?

It cuts away at the darkness. Its presence is blinding (often painfully so),

and should it focus itself to a high enough level, it will destroy whatever it was hitting.



Did you read the above?

Did you observe the actions?

Cuts, Blinding, Focus, Destroy, Hitting.

All violent and dominating actions, that were they applied to a conscious entity, would make

the person appear very ruthless and destructive indeed.

But what does Darkness do?

It does the opposite.

Light consolidates to gain power - Darkness merely spreads like a thick fog.



It doesn't require effort, and nothing is harmed by its presence.



It simply exists, like a cloud.



And in so doing provides relief from the torment of every object that was being battered by the light.

It's funny that so few realize this. Science itself shows light to be a violent thing, and yet so many embrace the light.

And the paradigms of both also reveal much as is reflected in their natures.

The strength of light comes from focusing, consolidating and streamlining itself - in other words, removing everything that isn't productive to it's cause. In so doing, it loses every variation of color, every nuance of pigment - anything that was spread out from the essence of pure light.

Those who walk in the Light exhibit these same aspects. The world is just black and white for them, truth is absolute with no room for variation or color, no varying shades of morality. If it's not productive to the main cause (which is often control and consolidation), then it must be eradicated in any way possible. Any form of resistance is forcefully dealt with, often (as with light itself) with burning. "Leave everything behind and be like me - or else" is their call.

The strength of darkness, however, comes from spreading out and encompassing all it can - including the light. It doesn't need to do anything but be to exist as is most natural for it. It doesn't try to remove anything that isn't productive because its not trying to force itself on anything. It just exists.

Same goes for those who walk in Darkness. The world is full of all forms and ways of existing for them, truth is relative because they realize that all variations can co-exist together, and morality is a personal thing. As long as it's personally perceived as acceptable, then there's no reason why not to incorporate something into their lives. Pleasure over Productivity, and as long as they don't personally feel threatened by something, they are content to let it exist as it does. "To each their own."

Art of the Light is always bound to strict lines, realism and harsh imagery. What it depicts as dark is always portrayed in a negative aspect - one that often stirs a combative or fearful reaction in the viewer. It can only find beauty in certain things.

Art of the Dark, though, is far more surreal and abstract. All lines are blurred, and it is up to you personally to decide what to make of it. Any depiction of light is always in a fluid and blended way - again seeking to incorporate all into its own. It can find beauty in anything.

Fiction is the same - with Light, it is always clear-cut, straight-forward and confined to a one-dimensional format. Simple story, simpler plot, no unforeseen twists and a very predictable ending. The bad guy is always evil, and he always goes to prison. The big bad wolf always dies, and the lovers are always Mr. and Mrs. Perfect who live happily ever after.

With Darkness, you can never be sure where the story will go. The villain may have a heart of gold and turn out to be a hero all along, the wolf may actually be the girl's guardian angel, and the lovers may never see each other again in this dimension or timeline. With darkness, the story is bound to have so many twists and turns and nuanced meanings...and it's always bound to pull at your heart.

The Light Burns

The Darkness Soothes

The Light Forces

The Darkness Lets It Be

The Light Focuses

The Darkness Spreads

The Light Divides

The Darkness Embraces

The Darkness doesn't corrupt.

It only assimilates.

It only takes, that the essence of what it touches exists across the scope of its collective nature.

It never truly destroys.



Unlike the Light.

Sirenia - The Other Side

Disturbed - The Night

Of course, without Light, Life cannot exist.

It is the invigoration of the Light that causes the vibrations necessary for energy to form into conscious and eventually physical facets.

So what does one do?

Accept and exist in both.

How much is up to you.

Balance Slays The Demon

Do I ask for too much?

At every turn, it seems that something or someone is trying to convince me I'm selfish.

Am I really all that selfish?

All I want is someone to hold close, to snuggle up to at night. Someone that won't abandon me or be taken away from me. Someone that I would love with all my heart, and that would love me as I them.

For someone to actually acknowledge my full real self, and not jump to conclusions or misunderstand/not believe me.

To be able to enjoy beauty without corrupting it.

My wings and abilities fully restored, here in the physical.

Happiness.

That's all I want.

I don't need riches or fame or political power...none of that.

I just need the above.

And I'm called selfish for it. :'(

Why? Why is it so wrong of me to want these things - to need these things?

Why won't anyone outside answer me?!?

If the above were met, I'd be content to stay here...I honestly would.

I just don't understand why I'm being deprived of these, and then called a spoiled, selfish. piggish brat.

Oh, and for what just happened in retaliation to my plea....fuck you. You couldn't even let me finish this without interruption and interference?

Why?

Why??

WHY??????

Why are you doing this to me?!?!?

Why do I have to be punished at every turn?

What did I do to deserve any of this????????????





Can you not even give me an answer?

Reverse of Reverse of Reverse of Reverse of Reverse of Reverse of Reverse

Keep it up and eventually you find yourself in another dimension.

Nothing looks different, but everything has changed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's good to be back. :3