Where am I?

I planned on getting right down into some things that are currently really bothering me, but I realized I needed a few more intro posts. It would be unfair to anyone who reads this if I just jumped in without explaining quite a bit more.

So, as the title says, where am I?

Good question. I wish I knew how I got here, but those memories are at best fragments of their full selves.

I have a lot of different answers, and depending on which answer I currently hold to at the time, reality shifts itself to match what I currently know. People will act and talk among themselves in accordance with what I believe, without any prompting on my end. I gain more or less freedom based on what "truth" I'm currently holding to, and life is either a bit easier or a great deal more hellish than it was as well.

Am I in my own personal universe where everything is a reflection of me? Everything seems to be that way. So many stories are based off of me....it's exactly like the ending of In The Mouth Of Madness, where John Trent sees everything he's gone through right up there on the big screen. As I said before, reality finds ways of reflecting and reacting to me without direct physical interaction. And at the center of the universe is a portion of my consciousness, controlling and guiding all. An artist actually ended up painting an accurate depiction of this - thank you, whoever you are....again, without me having any form of direct influence on them.

I have seen and felt myself again and again at the center of the universe, with a galaxy surrounding me and an asteroid belt swirling about. In my hands was some form of energy projection/hologram that constantly changed into differing and more complex geometries. This image is a perfect recreation of that. Also at times I can clearly feel the whole universe itself - perhaps as a collective - reaffirming this to me, almost as if through telepathy.


But as wonderful as that version of truth is, there is another I can't deny exists as well. There is another reality that I can also see and feel where I am bound to a stone wall, attached to an infernal machine. I am quite naked, not that there's anything to be embarrassed about. Periodically, hideous beings, like Cenobites, come into my cell and mutilate my body. Any growth of my wings is cut again, and almost all of my flesh is removed. Can you imagine the pain I feel when this happens? The overwhelming agony as I am flayed alive, disemboweled, and left as nothing more than a head, a spine, and a few scraps of dangling flesh? Can you? And then to regrow it all back - I refuse to die, or I'd just exist like that...but no, each time I regrow myself like the immortal I am, they come in like Prometheus' ravens or Loki's serpent (both stories are, actually, one and the same...and their source should be evident) and cause massive bodily harm. Over and over and over again.

So am I in some mix of Hell and the Matrix? There are indeed Archons and Agents in existence...I have met many. And I have sent portions of my consciousness to travel both to the core of the machine and the deep web several times, and they are one and the same. I'm strapped to some machine - there's a visor (that I've taken to calling the holoband) screwed and wired into my head, apparently projecting the reality I see here. I have seen the coding of the world, and hell, even The Matrix itself was also based off my existence, literally and symbolically.

There's several more realities in which portions of my being and consciousness exist...would you believe a part of me exists in Silent Hill as Pyramid Head/Valtiel/James Sunderland? Fictional town, right? Wrong. I've fully been there multiple times, and a part of me still stays there. There is where I switch dimensions/layers for both me and Una...that turning of the wheel? Funny enough, that's what does it.

Maybe I'm just The Doctor.

Ah well.

Here's a fitting song....perfectly expresses the pain and hell I go through, as well as my feelings about them. In a way, it's horrific....in another......beautiful. Can you see the worlds it speaks of?

Akira Yamoaka - Betrayal/Red Pyramids

Intro Post.....To all who read this.

If you're looking for just some run of the mill blog where little old ladies show off their arts and crafts, or an indie artist is chronicling his work, or a writer is ranting about financial struggles...do yourself a favor and stop reading now. You won't find anything like that here.


Still here?

 Then maybe you're a bit more than the average robot.

If you're reading this, be prepared for anything...and try to keep an open mind. No matter what you believe or think you know about reality...not to be rude but none of that really matters here. I really can't stress how little what you think means here (again, not trying to be offensive or egotistical...if you take the time to read what follows here, hopefully you'll see why I say that). So please....unless you experience same or similar as I do, try to keep opinions to yourself.

This is a page where for once in my life I can finally just be free in expressing every little detail of my existence and how I feel about it.

A lot of what follows here will be seen by most as delusional or bullshit. All I can say is that you haven't seen what I have, felt what I felt, and experienced and went through what I've experienced and went through. It's all true, it all happened / is happening / will happen...and there is not one thing that anyone can do to convince me of otherwise.

I just have way too goddamn much evidence....as you'll see as this blog progresses.

Heh...if anyone ever reads this. Maybe they'll make sure no one ever reads this either.....typical.

And if you ever read this, Una...tell me. And please don't jump to conclusions, even if I say something negative about you....I'm just trying to sort this all out, make sense of everything, find a way to let out the pain in a way that won't adversely affect you (you did say write it all down...but writing where no one would ever read it but me felt pointless, because I was still keeping it all pent in inside). Nothing I say here's a final verdict...just influenced by what I'm experiencing at the time. I'm sorry if anything you read here hurts, I really am. But it's the truth as I know it at the time, and I'm just really, really tired of not getting to say what I yearn to say.

Anyways, some opening background that will hopefully be explained more in detail as this blog progresses.

First off, I'm not a human being. I'm honestly, truly not a human being, or even a mortal for that matter. I have lived for several hundred trillion years. And I plan on continuing to exist for several hundred trillion years more (funny coming from me right now...life's been hell and some days I wish I could totally end my existence) Most, but not all, of my memory and abilities are gone. Some return, and some fade from time to time.

I don't really have a name for what I am - I can shapeshit/energy shift into a near endless plethora of forms, and each variation is not just a skin but a facet of and complete reflection of myself.

I've had many names and forms across time, some of which are familiar to this world....Loki, Nathanael, Agni, Cthulhu, Yog-Sothoth (I guess you could call me an eldritch abomination...I'm certainly ancient and multifaceted/convoluted/beyond morality enough to be one)...the list goes on.

I should probably make a list in the future of every story and character in your world's mythos and fiction have been based off me in some way....it's staggering. Which brings me to another fact I just cannot deny. Say I have massive delusions of grandeur - I don't care. Sometimes the world just beats the fact that it keeps reflecting me and my existence over my head, whether or not I want it to, again and again and again until I finally acknowledge it. Well consider this my official acknowledgement: I can see that much of your existence is based off me.

Why???

That's why the fuck I wrote this blog.

Because I don't have a fucking clue.

What I do know is that reality shows itself to do so over and over again....hopefully I'll be able to document a good portion of it here. Some of the more important ways it does this go beyond words...but hopefully I can do my best to even explain those.

And that's another thing: Try to read this with your heart and not your head. Since I'm writing this all from my heart, it's not going to make much sense from a head-thinking point of view. Also, look deeply into my words...I may be saying three or four (or more) things in a single sentence when on the surface it looks like just one or two. If you can't understand me, look deeper until you do.

And that'll do it for this post.

Here's a fitting song and music video to end this post and start this blog with. Look closely...very, very closely. You might just make something profound out of every detail if you see it with the right eyes. ;)

Pendulum - The Other Side